As an English teacher, I’d frequently hear the question, “How do you get your students to behave so well?” In my mind, I’d laugh and start thinking, “Well, this behavior isn’t quite spot-on yet, and we’re still working on behavior problem x, y, and z.”
In an over-simplified way, I’d tell others, “We care about and for one another, and we built relationships around that principle. That’s how it happened.”
From the beginning, my students understood that they weren’t going to be a seat-filler in the classroom, and that I am a person who values knowing who my people are, what they stand for, what they want most in life, and that someone cares about that dream just as much as they do. From day one, we worked at it. There’s no other word for it…It was W-O-R-K, but it was worthwhile work. In the face of high-stakes testing and the rollout of new common-core state standards, we spent our days learning about one another while simultaneously mastering the skills of Language Arts. Upon completing a project, students would be surprised when informed of the multiple standards they’d just nailed. The common response was that, “It didn’t feel like work at all.”
That’s right.
We put the work into our relationships and the traditional “work” felt like play. Once again, learning was fun. Alas, I’m oversimplifying, but when we were “having fun” and “experiencing life” the way it was meant to be experienced, that’s when the magic happened. Students respected one another. They nurtured the ideas of a fellow classmate. They consoled someone who was having a horrible week. They included the outcast as a friend. They made time for everyone, regardless of social status, age, or gender. They felt safe to express new ideas in this environment. As a result, students opened up and presented some of the most amazing work I’ve ever seen as a teacher. (Amazing how that happens when they’re not all fit into the square peg of standardized testing…)
Don’t get me wrong. There’d be days when (I felt like) chaos ensued, my blood pressure would rise, and life would stress me out, but time and time again, my students knew what the expectations were. Here’s the secret: The expectations were clear and always consistent.
And isn’t this secret applicable across the species? Don’t all people want to know how to establish order and balance in their lives?
In recipe form, here’s what was needed to establish “harmony”:
• a true sense of mutual respect
• clear, attainable expectations
• validation (over and over again)
Really though, it comes down to this: Obedience is a byproduct of a strong relationship. Once the relationship is established and people know how to maintain this, everything else falls into place in a beautiful way.